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The Seven Deadly Attitudes: Guilt

Guilt is what we feel when we believe we've done something wrong.  It's the nagging, soul-destroying sense that we made a mistake we can't put right.  Sometimes we can't.  Many people spend their lives carrying a burden of guilt because they can't undo what's already been done.  Sometimes we can put things right, but we'd rather live with the guilt than admit to ourselves or others that we were wrong.  No matter what the facts are - whether you can make amends or only live with what you've done - guilt makes us feel weak and powerless.  No fine, no jail, no physical pain is as debilitating as guilt.  It's a useless emotion.

This is not a popular position.  Society wields the weapon of guilt with full righteousness.
It expects and demands guilt for a wide range of anti-social behaviour - from not paying your parking fine to murder.  If someone commits a particularly brutal crime, it is considered only right and proper that the criminal should be condemned to life-long guilt, shame and remorse.  Some go even further.  They see guilt as the ultimate test of an individuals character and social responsibility.  If you don't feel guilty for breaking society's rules, you don't belong in society.  You're dammed if you don't feel guilty, and you're dammed uncomfortable if you do.  In fact, you're paralysed.  And that's the point.  Society uses guilt to make individuals submit to authority.  A paranoid fantasy?  Take a look at a guilt on the family level.

The stereotypical mother who manipulates her children with guilt has its roots in practical fact.  If a child is convinced he or she can never make up for the parents pain, suffering and sacrifice, the child will spend his or her whole life looking for forgiveness.  The parent can withhold this forgiveness, offer it only on certain conditions or provide it in tiny doses.  The parent also reserves the right to withdraw forgiveness at any time.  Its emotional blackmail of the first order, and its very effective.  No wonder teachers, clergy, police, judges and most authority figures set guilt traps for anyone they want to control.  Rest assured.  We all fall into these traps with alarming regularity.  You can be sitting quietly at home watching a video when a little voice inside your head suddenly says your poor mother is all alone and miserable and sitting by the phone, waiting for your call.  The fact that you were quite happy a second before and no one really sits by the phone makes no difference.  You wonder who you last called home.  It suddenly seems like forever - even though it might have been two days ago.  Welcome to remote-control parental guilt.

Or imagine you're just been promoted.  You're breaking the news to your co-workers.
You worked hard for this promotion and you should feel great.  But that little voice inside is saying maybe someone else deserves the promotion more.  You feel a little sheepish as you recall all the time's your work wasn't quite as good as it should have been, and those days off when you weren't really ill.  You see the faces of your co-workers.  Some don't share your happiness as much as they might.  In fact, a few of them look downright resentful.
You start to doubt yourself.  After all, these colleagues must have some reason to feel jealous.  Welcome to don't-get-ideas-above-your-station, always-know-your-place guilt.

Its worth making a distinction between guilt and regret.  Regret is a rational reaction to a mistake.  You look at what you've done and see that it was a bad move.  If you realise you made a mistake, take responsibility for what happened, put right what you can and resolve not to repeat the same mistake again, you shouldn't feel guilty.  You may feel regret, you may wish you'd never made the mistake in the first place, you may feel shame, but you shouldn't feel guilty.  If you do feel permanently stained or somehow worthless, even after you've faced-up to your errors, there's something going on besides simple wrong-doing.
It's usually a bad case of the 'born-guilt blues'.

Many children grow up in an environment where they are always criticised, never encouraged.  They're constantly told they are defective.  No amount of achievement is good enough.  Some parents adopt this ever-critical approach out of misconceived love.  Life's tough, so my kid should be toughened for life.  Who better to do it than the person who loves them?  Other parents are hard on their children because that's the way they were raised.  'If you think I'm tough, you should've seen my father.  If I did something wrong he'd whack me into next week'.  Some parents are cruel to their children because that's how they feel about themselves.  The result can be devastating.  All children are deeply impressionable.  They can easily be led to believe that they are fundamentally bad.
They can grow up with a deeply held belief that you're guilty simply for being alive.

To a greater or lesser extent, we all face the weapon called guilt.  No one is completely immune to someone powerful who's determined to make others feel small and week - especially if that someone is themselves.  To defend against guilt, you must delve into that part of your mind where the 'born-guilty blues' plays its dismal tune.  Counselling, prayer, self-hypnosis and other types of therapy can help root out feelings of low self-esteem.
You can then re-establish who you are and, more importantly, how you feel about yourself.  Meantime, shelter behind a shield of reason, because guilt is not based on reason.  By examining your own actions calmly and logically, you can step lightly over guilt traps and avoid self-inflicted wounds.

Ask yourself if you really did something wrong.  Most people never question what they believe to be right or wrong.  For example, most adulterers simply accept the concept that extra-marital sex is wrong and secretly suffer the sword of 'deserved' guilt.  But a constantly unfaithful partner should look deeper.  He should ask himself if he thinks he was wrong.
If he honestly believes his extra-martial sex is justified, he should not waste time and energy feeling guilty.  He should face the fact that he cannot or will not live up to his vows.
He should re-evaluate his marriage, and change what needs changing.  This kind of realisation - that you cant live up to accepted and expected standards of behaviour - is never easy.  The fall-out is often painful and frightening.  Yet living in perpetual guilt is worse.

Its surprising how often we feel guilty for something that's not our fault.  The classic guilt-producing argument is, 'Your father and I slaved and suffered so you could be happy' or
'You almost killed me when you were born'.  Reason is your only defence.  Did you ask your parents to slave and suffer for you?  When you were being born, did you say, 'Right, now I'm going to kill this woman?  You were not responsible.  You are never completely responsible for how people react to you.  If a co-worker is jealous of your success, its not normally because you made them jealous.  Remember, people have good reasons to believe you're at fault.  They have even better reasons for convincing you that something is your fault.  Always retain the right to decide for yourself.

Once you free yourself from guilt, you'll never need to depend on anyone for your self-esteem.  If you admit mistakes, make good and move on, you don't need someone else to prod your conscience.  You don't need someone else to forgive you so you can finally 'live with yourself'.  And you wont need to beat yourself up all the time.  You can explore life's adventures knowing that no matter what happens, you'll take responsibility, learn and improve.  That's all anyone can do.  Robert Farago

The Seven Deadly Attitudes:

Fear  Guilt  Apathy  Doubt  Worry  Obsession  Resentment

The Seven Deadly Attitudes

Say Hello to Your Subconscious

My grateful thanks to Mr Robert Farago for kindly allowing excerpts of his best selling book 'Hypno Health - How to transform your life through the power of hypnosis'
(ISBN 0-09-177576-0 / Vermillion) to be reproduced on this web site.

Purchase Robert Farago Self-Hypnosis CD's

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Howard A. Stanyon DHP HPD DIP COUNS, MHA MHPA MAPC MSFTR MOC LHS UKHR UKCHO
Finedon, Wellingborough, Northamptonshire, NN9 5DW, East Midlands, United Kingdom
Telephone: +44 (0)1933) 680968 or contact me by email

Professional, confidential, empathetic hypno-therapeutic assistance with emotional, psychological and personal difficulties.

Welcoming clients for professional hypnosis and hypnotherapy from:

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Howard A. Stanyon DHP HPD DIP COUNS, MHA MHPA MAPC MSFTR MOC LHS UKHR UKCHO
Finedon, Wellingborough, Northamptonshire, NN9 5DW, East Midlands, United Kingdom
Telephone: +44 (0)1933) 680968 or contact me by email

Professional, confidential, empathetic hypno-therapeutic assistance with emotional, psychological and personal difficulties.

Welcoming clients for professional hypnosis and hypnotherapy from:

Barton Seagrave; Burton Latimer; Corby; Desborough; Earls Barton; Geddington; Higham Ferrers; Irchester; Irthlingborough; Kettering; Northampton; Raunds; Rothwell; Rushden; Stanwick; Thrapston; Towcester; Wellingborough and the whole of Northamptonshire, Bedfordshire, Buckinghamshire, Cambridgeshire, Huntingdonshire, Leicestershire, Oxfordshire, Rutland, Warwickshire, and beyond.

For more information about the places covered by Northamptonshire Hypnosis and Hypnotherapy at Northamptonshires Hypnohealthy.co.uk Hypnosis Practice, please refer to the county lists displayed directly above.

Hypnohealthy.co.uk - Howard. A. Stanyon DHP HPD DIP COUNS - Clinical Hypnotherapist.
Telephone: +44 (0)1933) 680968 - Call anytime, 24 hours a day, or contact me by email